“I’m not an expert.” Adoptions Author Responds to Parents’ Urgent Questions

Janelle Molony, September 2021

When does the destruction from a fill-in-the-blank disorder stop? When will she stop sabotaging everything good? Why can’t he see how selfish he’s being? Why isn’t their talk therapy working? When will the arguing stop?

– Parents Just Like You

I can relate to these parenting concerns all too well.

Ever since my book Un-Adoptable? Faith Beyond Foster Care was released in 2020, I’ve received numerous e-mails and petitions on social media to please offer direction or insight into another parent’s struggle. I was even offered my own parenting radio talk show and a regular newspaper column! (Not kidding, I turned them both down.) In all honesty, I can’t even pretend to have the answers. All I can do is extend compassion and tell you that “I get it.”

While I am an outspoken author and advocate, I am not an expert on parenting, relationships, adoptions, or special needs. Nor am I qualified to provide medical or psychological advice to anyone.

Besides, my answers to those questions will always fall short because I don’t know you. And I don’t know your child. And I’m just like you, really. I’m “in it.” Even after seven years…

When I read your e-mails, I can feel myself in your shoes and see myself in the stories you share with me. Then, I am reminded of a particular moment in my own life when things got to be too much. It’s easiest to describe how it felt for me with an illustration of an insect.

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Where I live, there is a large, flying insect called a Cicada…

These meaty freak-show flies come out of the ground and swarm in a biblical plague to the desert treetops in search of mates. The males rapidly flutter a flap on their abdomen to produce a small drum beat. To our human ears, however, it sounds more like a high-pitch click with machine-gun rapidity.

In the hottest days of summer, the crowds of insects speed up their pounding into a deafening wave of sound that can be felt rattling deep into your spine and can be heard for miles. It’s like these creatures consume sound itself, as if mother nature was flat-lining.

And all evening, and into the night, those who are nearest look to the heavens and wish on all the stars that the droning would stop. The primitive brain’s amygdala is ready to act:

• The freeze response covers its ears and screams back at the source of noise, bracing for impact.
• The fighter paces back and forth, pounding a fist while suggesting, “Burn the trees down.”
• And the flight response claws at every mental window with an illuminated red exit sign, breaking its fingernails trying to open a latch, but they are all currently locked.

Maybe in your moment, the deafening sound was a door slamming. The snap of a broken lock. The sight of an open window on the second story. Maybe it was finding holes in the wall. Blood on the carpet. Tear stains. Wet underwear. A hidden knife. A missing shoelace.

Those are your stories, but they are also still mine.

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I still get that feeling from time to time.

Seven years in… I am still praying, writing, crying, you name it, because even though I’ve chosen my child and fully committed to him long ago, I’m still waiting for the day he chooses me back. This is long-suffering – a love story without a timeline.

But I know better than to try managing all of the stress alone. I depend on a heaping dose of Jesus’ grace and strength, daily. And, I still have professionals working with me and my family behind the scenes.

So, as I consider how to best advise my readers and other struggling parents who are feeling maxed out and seeking outside help, I must start with 1) get yourself and your child to a place of safety. Then, 2) get a licensed mental health professional involved.

Though I love that readers find my book moving and insightful, please do not mistake my words as a replacement for a properly qualified medical direction. Because I’ve made this a priority in my own life, I have learned that this parenting experience does not have to be devastating. It does not have to deplete every resource and relationship. It does not have to be limitless or boundaryless. And it definitely does not have to be unsafe.

Ready for some REAL advice?

For those who are ready to speak with a licensed professional who understands complex foster and adoption trauma, attachment disorders, and is both knowledgeable in and open to using both traditional and non-traditional treatment options, please allow me to direct you to a trusted and preferred provider:

Cally Skalko at Larksong Counseling
Phone: (480) 422-2721
Web: https://www.larksongcounseling.com/
Social: Facebook.com/CallySkalko

I’ve known Cally (LAC, MSEd, AAT) for several years. I know her core beliefs and I can tell you she has the biggest heart for this demographic. Feel free to tell her you heard about her services through the AdoptionToLife blog. You’ll be in good hands.

And even though her office is based out of the greater Phoenix, Arizona area, she is able to provide remote sessions to accommodate patient’s locations and schedules. She works with all ages and offers one-on-one, small group, and family sessions at reasonable prices.

One last thing: See those white squares with my face on them? Save the emergency numbers in your phone. Even if you think you won’t ever need them, there might be a nearby stranger, coworker, or loved one who does.

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Hardcover, paperback, E-book and audiobooks are now available. Click on the image below to buy, or see JanelleMolony.com/Un-Adoptable for more information on the book and author.

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The author writes from an unabashed, had-it-up-to-here, daily defeated and re-strengthened by grace and hope… kind of place. An adoptive mother of a curious kiddo, full of spirit and sass, tells her tales of homeschooling, fostering, and raising children with special needs. Thanks for joining us on this adventure from adoption to life!