The Other Mother: Biological Vs. Adoptive Motherhood
It was a competition. At least in my mind. And maybe even my child’s?
–Original post: May 2016
Birth Mom Vs. Forever Mom.
It was HER vs. ME.
As I flipped through the calendar and saw Mother’s Day is coming up, I felt the sweat bead on my brow and clenched my teeth. This is now supposed to be MY day!
Let’s just take a moment to agree that this is not the best approach. OK? I was rather emotional over this and thinking primitively.
Janelle Talks About Mother vs. Mother Feelings with Foster Parenting Expert Lesia Knudsen
I’d read somewhere its helpful to explain to children that it’s possible (and in many cases normal) to have two moms …and to be completely able to love both in their own special way.
Second or blended families are nothing strange, nor are same-sex parenting couples. I suppose this should be an easy-ish concept to help my family understand. But the loss of a biological mother who did, at some point, hold and cradle and coo to him, is infinitely deep and permanent.
I’ll never be able to replace that loss… I thought.
Again: Wrong. Let’s straighten this kink right now.
We should never consider our role as an adoptive parent to be a “replacement” for a biological parent.
Janelle Molony, Author of Un-Adoptable? Faith Beyond Foster Care
(Every) Mother Is Irreplaceable
Still, the loss was very real.
For us (after the adoption) there were no weekend visits or every-other-holiday trades, or even a note in the mail on my child’s birthday. Nothing was left but a gaping hole and no closure in sight.
A mom is irreplaceable. Adoption experts Keck and Kupecky touch on this in Parenting the Hurt Child:
“…She may have been a bad mom, a poor mom, a mean mom, an abusive mom, a drug-addicted mom, or a drunken mom. …[But] there is no loss on earth that is worse.”
Keck & Kupecky, Parenting The Hurt Child (2002)
When He Cried Out
Sometimes my son relives traumatic events in his mind. As a bystander, it’s horrible to watch and difficult to soothe. This would require professional intervention.
Waking Up Sacred: Pediatric PTSD
Once, when he was experiencing a terrible memory, he was screaming aloud for his mother.
“Moooommm! Mommy where are you?”
I, in my ignorance and selfishness, answered, “I’m right here, baby.” (Yes, I know my readers are one step ahead right now, but I need to get this all off my chest so bear with me as I retell the rest.)
I was holding him. Me. Right there, keeping him safe during this episode.
He screamed again. Gee. That’s frustrating. Again, I say “Mommy’s here. You’re going to be OK.”
He screamed again. Oh. It dawned on me that he wasn’t crying out for me. He wanted the “Other Mother.”
There was this teeny, tiny part of my brain that said, “This is normal… He’s not thinking clearly… He knows I’m here. Just keep loving on him and get through this.” But the rest of my body felt like I was being stabbed with a thousand knives. I wanted to roar like a wild animal in pain.
He Wanted “Her”
After everything we’d been through! After all the care and attention and work and therapy and, and, and….
As it turns out, I needed (and still need) to reconcile my own feelings about her. At this time, I was not ambivalent, fair, or grateful. I was not even prayerful over this. I was jealous-angry.
Now, we were both be in turmoil over her. If someone has to deal with their feelings responsibly, I vote HIM. (I know, I’ve sucked at parenting at times. I wrote a book about it, even.)
Adoptive Parents Praise Memoir For Its Honesty!
Once the home settled down, we tried something to help him/us process “life with two moms” We started to write all the thoughts down.
If we could separate them from our minds and look at them more objectively, or to at least get them out so we don’t ruminate, we can find relief and, perhaps, direction.
With the written expression, we now had a visual to help gain perspective and we also got a sense of “doing something about it.” This was and still is a very effective way to relieve some emotional stress (compared to holding everything in).
Then, for one writing exercise, we wrote a letter to his biological mother. He dictated. I typed. We both cried.
This experience is written on in great detail in my book, Un-Adoptable? Faith Beyond Foster Care (Now on sale on Amazon!). I also talk about the experience briefly with foster parenting expert Lesia Knudsen (@lesia_lifeinthefosterlane) in my vlog.
The things he chose to write to her were beyond adorable and painful, but I let him write whatever came to mind. Through this experience, it caused me to realize…
If I am lucky enough to receive a fraction of the love and devotion my child gave his biological mother at one point, surely, there is hope for us.
Read Next:
Let’s Talk Mother’s Day! (With Lesia Knudesn)
Janelle Molony Talks Adoption On Sonoran Living Live
Janelle and Son Talk About Sibling Connections
Janelle Molony writes from an unabashed, had-it-up-to-here, daily defeated and re-strengthened by grace and hope… kind of place. An adoptive mother of a curious kiddo, full of spirit and sass, tells her tales of homeschooling, fostering, and raising children with special needs. Thanks for joining us on this adventure!
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