How Young Adoptees Can Connect on Issues of Identity
Holy moly! Young adoptees are in a mess of a world at the moment! Now we are dealing with outrageous matters of skin color, months of the pandemic quarantine dragging on, homeschooling longer than anticipated, loneliness and fear… on top of separation from biological family, residuals from trauma or abuse, and the lifelong identity-issues which are present in adoptive relationships. It’s a whole heap of heaviness that can be hard to talk about… or to even find someone safe to talk about it with. (Besides a therapist, of course, but that’s not the same as having a friend.)
Five years after being adopted, I can count on one hand the number of peers my child has talked to about the struggles of being an adoptee. This includes the loneliness caused by separation from family or siblings that very few other children can understand. In this number, I’m including time we have spent in foster/adoptive support groups. Unfortunately, conversations on adoption or foster care, in general, were not facilitated for the children during the gatherings. Side note: Why not?
I feel sad when kids ask, “Do you have any brothers or sisters” and my son answers with a “no.” (They are out there, mind you.)
“I don’t want to have to explain it,” he says. No one “gets it,” he says.
Janelle and Son Talk About Sibling Connections
How can our kids stay connected with adopted peers during a pandemic?
With many community events being limited or closed until further notice, there are some easy workarounds for kids making new connections while staying at a healthy distance. Perhaps some of these would be helpful for other families in a similar situation?
Check them out and let me know if you try either one. I’m happy to support fellow foster and adoptive families any way I can — this includes businesses!
Pen-Pals: Vetted and Secure!
For those who like to doodle, receive mail, and exchange pictures, Pen a Friend might be a perfect fit for you!
My friend Syona Mehta founded a pen pal matching program that is specific to establishing friendships for foster or adopted youth. The purpose of her program is to extend friendship beyond circumstances. As long as new addresses are kept up to date, kids can continue receiving mail/messages from their friends from anywhere across the world! It’s a fantastic opportunity to learn more about different types of cultures and, of course, writing promotes creative expression and aids emotional processing.
During this time, many children are feeling more alone than ever. Pen a Friend is here to connect kids to remind them they are not alone. This unique pen pal connection could be very rewarding and healing for those under stress and isolation. We take pen pals from ages 5-21. Just fill out our application on our website www.penafriend.org and we’ll match you!
— Sonya
Also – due to the Covid-19 outbreak they have expanded to include all youth both nationally and internationally. This means all siblings/biological children can participate with their own pen-pals, too! More information can be found at www.penafriend.org. Pen a Friend, Inc. is a 501©(3) nonprofit organization.
Virtual Hangouts with Peers
There are others out there, but I was quite pleased to see an Outschool class recently offering time for adopted children to talk. It’s an open forum, hosted by Teacher Grace (check out her teacher bio), where children can talk freely without the pressure of having to go *anywhere*. Also, parents can feel confident knowing that the conversation is monitored by a teacher and adoptive parent who is helping them to engage in healthy and appropriate conversations.
This is a safe place for children who have been adopted from any part of the world to come together and chat. When children talk about being adopted, not everyone understands. The goal of these meetings is to let kids know that they are not alone. Adoption makes them special and awesome and they should always feel that way!
— Teacher Grace
She took the words right out of my mouth! There may be other classes and opportunities on other learning platforms, but I’m partial to Outschool because… spoiler: I am also an Outschool teacher.
Now, don’t go flooding her with requests for classes… just kidding. Do exactly that. Bless her financially for taking the time to coordinate these events. That would mean a lot to me.
Thank you for supporting my fellow mom-owned businesses! – Janelle
Janelle Molony, M.S.L., has been a guest on several podcasts and TV shows. She is also an event speaker, vlogger and multi-time published author. Her book, Un-Adoptable? Faith Beyond Foster Care is available worldwide through Amazon. See more from Janelle Molony on Facebook and Instagram @AdoptionToLife.
What to read next:
Who is this Kid? Post-Adoption Identity Crisis
Talk Jenga: Play Therapy For Tough Conversations
Who Do I Talk To Now That The Adoption Is Finalized?
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