#MeToo. Responding To A Child’s Sexual Abuse

For many who have been sexually abused, assaulted, molested, teased, touched, or what-not, it is hard and uncomfortable to talk about it, even in today’s very outspoken culture. What if having the knowledge ignored, blocked out, or locked up is just easier than putting words to it? If we deny “it” breath, maybe “it” will die?
I, personally, cannot speak to this. But, think with me on this: What if that “something” happened to a child? Your child.
Would it be as difficult to finds the words then?

Imagine The Scene:

It’s just a normal conversation. “Yeah, I’ve been kissed.”
I expect something to follow like “by my grandma.” But that isn’t what they say next.

“One time… when I was with…” and then all sound fades. Vision blurs. And now I’m the one being denied my breath. “
I didn’t know what to do,” he said. I must have looked worried because next came a reassuring, “It didn’t hurt.”

Wait. WHAT?

Is this real?
My body twitched, clamping down on all the muscles I needed to stay upright so it looks like I’m still listening. Good.
But I start to imagine filleting this person. Slicing them through, from bottom-to-top, starting at the “crime scene,” of course. Except I can’t, because that’s murder. *sigh*

Now, where was I? He notices the change in me.
“Am I in trouble?” The guilt creeps in. He thinks he did something wrong. “No, no, noooo… baby. Thank you for telling me.” Thank GOD he told me. “You did the right thing. Mommy will help.” Now, what do I do?

Their Story Ends. Ours Begins.

Will he ever bring it up again? Will he need therapy? Will he remember? Will he forget? Is he mad? Sad? Does he even understand what this means? Who can he talk to?
Shit. Who do I talk to? What. The. Hell. Do I do?

A friend of mine experienced a traumatic event as a child. Their parents swiftly provided medical care, assessed for any potential “long-term effects,” then never brought it up again. The psychological torture endured for my friend. They had no outlet for years. No voice. No support. That is, until they sought help as an adult. Everyone around this person had moved on – leaving them completely alone with this secret.

I decided this was most definitely NOT how I was going to handle this situation. It was time to make some phone calls.

Speak Up For Children Of Abuse

But what if the parents had spoken out more? What if shame or embarrassment took a backseat to righteous anger? This was a missed opportunity, indeed. I believe we have to teach the next generation by example. We need to speak out, act upon, and increase awareness of these events. And, unfortunately… since many of these cases are not reported or discovered immediately, if “better late than never” is the best we can do, then go for it.

A child without a “protector” or “defender” remains vulnerable on a deep, emotional level. The parental figure’s response is critical! We need to be a safe place for our children to come to us with ALL their problems.

Child Welfare publications advise, “It is very important for children to understand that they are not to blame for the abuse they experienced. Your family’s immediate response to learning about the sexual abuse and ongoing acceptance of what the child has told you will play a critical role in your child’s ability to recover and lead a healthy life.”

How to Approach This:

If you are the person they entrust with their story, you need to show them that their story matters, but it doesn’t change who they are.

• Stay calm while you listen. Don’t exaggerate or allow YOUR fear or anger to escalate the situation for them. The more you appear to be able to receive the information, the safer your child may feel in coming to you with more. Maybe now. Maybe later.
• Then, when they’ve said all they need to say, go somewhere else and write it down. Don’t press your child for details right now. There is enough time for additional details to come out later. Authorities and therapists will help you with this.
• GO CLEAR YOUR HEAD. Cry, if you need to. It’s OK.
• Get your spouse/partner, and then make the call to your local authorities. You don’t need to announce this your friends or post on social media. There will come a time for that. Allow yourself and the family to grieve, and process, and plan. The goal in this step is to start the professional’s wheels turning, rather than social media buzzing.
• Reassure your child that there is a plan in place. Invite your child to share their feelings and hopes for what should happen next. It’s important at this step to also let them know that the conversation is not over. This is NOT an off-limits conversation. They can continue to tell their story and ask questions, as long as they feel like it.
• Then, when you (meaning you, the parent) are ready to talk about this: let it happen. Be careful and purposeful about who you share with. Be mindful of your child’s reputation and self-esteem when you speak. Telling “your experience” is more beneficial than telling theirs. It’s more healing for you and models the positive behavior to the child.

By doing these things, you show by example that it’s OK to talk about what happened in a productive way. And then, when your child is ready to talk: let them. Get a counselor on the team to help as needed.

In My Case…

There is nothing more I can do now but to tell my child that it. is. over. This situation is in the right people’s hands. He’s not at fault. Mommy still loves him and will help him through this the very best I can (with the assistance of several therapists – and that’s OK too!).

Over time, we have all stopped fearing the past. Our energy is much better spent on the “now,” anyways. And right now – he’s safe.

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The author writes from an unabashed, had-it-up-to-here, daily defeated and re-strengthened by grace and hope… kind of place. An adoptive mother of a curious kiddo, full of spirit and sass, tells her tales of homeschooling, fostering, and raising children with special needs. Thanks for joining us on this adventure from adoption to life!

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