Sensory Sensitivity At Thanksgiving: Tips For Managing The Meltdown

Thanksgiving sends my son down a sensory-emotional roller coaster.

It begins with the smells. Gravy, cinnamon, doughy rolls… He loves them, but won’t approach the kitchen while they are cooking. He’s treating it like an invisible scent-barrier.

The house has become untouchable. The table is set. Don’t touch. The living room is clean. Don’t touch. The toys are away and the furniture is rearranged for extra guests. Don’t touch. 

Mom is cooking. Dad is running errands. Then, dad is watching football. And mom is still busy. No one can play with him. He can’t play inside and make a mess. He can’t play outside and get dirty. He can’t eat yet, even though there is food all over the place.

Then the guests are supposed to arrive. “What time do people get here?” He asks. I give the most confusing response: “Oh, I don’t know. Dinner is at 4… so, anytime they want?”

At This Point, My Son Is Feeling Lost.

The scents are going to his head, the wait for guests is ambivalent, and he can’t do “anything.” He is being asked to wear nice clothes, sit still, sit up, and stay at a table full of adults talking about… well, adult things, of course.

If we break this down from a sensory processing perspective, he is being asked to put up with crowded rooms, loud voices, strong smells, and uncomfortable clothes for a “never-ending” period of time. At the physiological level, his skin is itching, ears hurting, stomach growling, and nose and eyes being assaulted by odors. This is already a lot to be asked of him.

Here Comes The Sensory Meltdown!

My son has several types of sensory integration and processing disorders. Being a sensory-sensitive kid “means that children have a tendency to feel certain senses very strongly and they tend to react to those overwhelming feelings very strongly as well” (CenterForParentingEducation.org). His reactions may seem extreme. They don’t match his age. They don’t fit the context. And his defense mechanisms only make people upset or confused.

Because this disorder is equally as confusing to the children, it’s hard for them to communicate what, specifically, is harming them. “What’s wrong?” we ask. “Nothing…” he says with a frown.

Soon, Uncle Ben is going to be here. (He smokes and drinks. A lot.) And my baby gives him the awkward XXL space bubble treatment. So now, he’s a “unsocial” boy who won’t hug his uncle.

We are fully primed for an explosion during the meal. Hot tears line his eyes, loss of body control is causing him to bump into and drop things, and an appearance of sleepiness are the warning signs. He reaches for his drink and somehow his fingers can’t close around it.

It spills. And now he is wailing.

“It’s OK. We’ll just wipe it up. You can have more,” someone says. Waaaaa!!! He’s inconsolable and limp. He CAN’T stop crying. He tries to leave the room but everyone is telling him to stay. He is completely stressed out and embarrassed and isn’t even allowed to take a break to calm down.

…And when the socially acceptable time for a tantrum has passed, the eyes start turning towards mom and dad.

“What’s going on? What’s he doing? Make him stop.”

I can’t. Until the sensations are dulled or removed, or he is allowed to use a replacement behavior to release and reduce the discomfort of the sensations… he will continue to be completely overwhelmed while onlookers judge.

Looking back a few years, I realize that we had done everything wrong.

Advice I Should Have Heeded:

Here are 4 tips from the Center for Parenting Education, plus 1 from myself that I should have tried last Thanksgiving, and plan to be more conscientious of this year. Perhaps some of them will also be helpful for you?

• Understand that your sensitive children may feel, see or hear things that you do not. Talk with them about their experiences. (1)

What’s “too loud” for them might not be too loud for you. Do not discredit that difference. 

• Avoid negatively labeling your children who may be more sensitive. Ex. “picky”, “a complainer” or “cry-baby.” Instead, use descriptive, more positive words like “discriminating” and “tenderhearted.” Remember your child is not being contrary; his sensitivity to external stimuli truly bother him. (1)

Because this condition is a part of who your child is, try not to cause a negative internalization. Embarrassment is less productive than empowerment.

• Help to monitor when things become too overwhelming or stimulating for your children. Help them to find ways to stay calm, such as removing themselves from the situation, wearing earplugs if they know they will be somewhere with loud noises, or wearing sunglasses if bright light bothers them. (1)

Emphasize that these habits or devices are important tools to help them feel better. They don’t have to be used all the time and your child will learn to moderate their use over time. 

• Teach children the words to use to express how they are feeling more accurately and appropriately. (1)

For us, a simple “I don’t feel well.” is enough of a signal for us to fill in the blanks and offer him an opportunity to go play outside for a few minutes. We don’t have to diagnose every sensory input that is bothering him, every time, at that time. With time, he may be able to identify and label the issue on his own, but not while he is overwhelmed.

• Build sensory breaks into the event. Treat these like bookends: Sensory break-Difficult activity-Sensory break. This reduces the anxiety levels before the stressful time begins, and gives your child more security knowing that they will get relief after. (From Your’s Truly)

Example: Tell your child that after we clean the living room, we’ll roll like logs across the big floor. After we set the table, we’ll tip-toe away, saying “shhh…” (conscious breathing), pretending it has to take a nap. After your food is eaten, you can be the designated plate collector. This means the child can get up to move and leave the stressful environment “to clear dishes” without anyone thinking twice about it. 

Other Suggestions?

Readers, if you have any other tried-and-true recommendations for holiday-specific preparations and celebrating with a sensory sensitive child, please share in the comments.

Also, I highly recommend these two books for helping parents understand and feel more connected to the signals their children are sending. Both have been like my personal SPD bibles. (Amazon links are included, but they are also easy to find used or at the library.)

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