I’m a Strict Foster Mom… So My Child Can Be Pill-Free
Original Post 2016
Before Kids…
I thought the idea of being a cool aunt or babysitter was just that: Cool. Fun. Easy.
Do whatever, bend the rules and let the kids love you more than their bossy, stingy parents. Yeah sure, eat the entire full-sized bag of Cheetos… No big deal. Stay up late and yes, have more candy!
Now, I’m “That” Mom.
Now that I’m a foster mom of a child who can’t handle “normal” – not to mention the extra shortcuts and splurges his sitters and “fun people” treat him to… I’ve seen the light.
My son can’t handle ANY missed sleep. He can’t handle sugary, dairy or meat-filled snacks.
I’ve become that strict, overprotective mom who won’t let their kid eat snacks at church with the other kids unless they are on a pre-approved list of items.
TV, electronics, sounds, foods, sleep and more… Have become a new sort of religion. If my child’s rhythm or diet is off, his brain doesn’t work very well. His cognitive function drops to babbles and gestures. He becomes aggressive (this is an epic understatement). And he might even have seizures.
Is it really “overprotective?”
Or just
“ protective?”
Structure is Absolutely Necessary (to a sad state of inflexibility).
Over time, I’ve learned whether it’s trauma triggers, sensory processing issues, medical or mental illness… or something happening in the general attachment process, in order to keep this kid off of the heftier psych meds, we do everything we can to create external regulation so he can be internally regulated.
A lot of parents say they wouldn’t go to this extreme.
I know a lot who would. And do. And we are all warring for our children’s health in the trenches while the “normies” walk right by.
We Still Doubt.
There were many days before we even began medicating our child when I would look at my spouse and say through clenched teeth, “Let’s get the pills.”
We would hit our “rock bottom of the month” – Yes, this is a sick, cyclical insanity – and come to the conclusion that what might be best for our child, is a little more about what’s best for US.
Some months we even considered putting him on stronger medications because that would be better for OTHERS in our lives.
I know. #ParentsOfTheYear
“Maybe on those meds, so-and-so wouldn’t have to see him go through the hard stuff?” I’d say.
“Maybe on those meds, he could join the such-and-such group/go to public school without sticking out so much?” I’d wonder.
“Maybe on those meds, then so-and-so wouldn’t act so embarrassed to be with him.” I’d sulk.
In retrospect… That’s a terrible way to approach this.
We are trying to protect others as well as our child at the same time. But a sedated version of my son isn’t pushing through his challenges and learning coping skills or being held accountable in the same way as the more alert version.
What Do We Do?
If we have any chance of teaching our child to self-regulate… It needs to be by teaching him HOW to regulate anything whatsoever. We needed to deal with harder life-management concepts:
Making choices and sticking to them.
Adhering to that strict diet.
Not compromising on visual stimulation.
Knowing what makes us angry or hungry or tired and then having a plan to respond to it.
Pills Don’t Teach This Stuff.
No pill can provided those structures.
The best plan, in our opinion, is not to dull the sensations he had (for better or worse). It is not to try and make him even appear normal (that’s been tossed to the wind for now).
The best plan for us and for our child is to equip him with the tools to handle and overcome challenges. We want to give our son the strength to stand firm in his convictions, the confidence to ask for time to think and calm down, the courage to tell people how he feels, and the patience to endure and respond to uninformed judgment from peers (and adults).
Pills without a plan… is not a plan.
The author writes from an unabashed, had-it-up-to-here, daily defeated and re-strengthened by grace and hope… kind of place. An adoptive mother of a curious kiddo, full of spirit and sass, tells her tales of homeschooling, fostering, and raising children with special needs. Thanks for joining us on this adventure from adoption to life!
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